I like music. In fact, it is essential to my wellbeing. I have a collection of about five thousand tracks, all genres. They are on a laptop and they play whenever I am in the flat, day or night, awake or asleep. Obvs, the volume is kept down for the neighbours’ sake – just to a background level. The system is on “shuffle” so I have no idea what will play next.

There are quite a few styles and artists that have me racing for the “skip” button to stop the torture.

ARTISTS

I cannot stand whiners or phoneys.

My least favourite is probably Gene Pitney, who whined and snivelled throughout the ‘60s on a variety of themes. The standout track is “Twenty-Four Hours From Tulsa”. This is about driving back to his home town and meeting a delicious package of trouble on the last night. So now he has to write to his now-ex lady and tell her he won’t be back. What a sniveller! Either keep your trap shut and learn from your mistake – that there is nobody better than your lady. Or, stop bragging and go with your new love. Either way: DO NOT WHINE.

There are millions of singers out there, past and present, and the vast majority could manage to convey the message in a far better way.

Then there are those, particularly female, whose voices tremble with faked emotion. Yes, there may be from time to time a lyric that is so moving that, whatever the circumstance, emotion may get in there. But, it has to be real. Majority of songs are recorded in a studio, crowded, coffee, cake, booze, cigarettes, whatever drug you can think of. The ambience is not sitting alone in your room struggling with your feelings. So stop pretending it is. Again, millions of performers can sing a sad song and convey all the feelings without sounding like they just swallowed a fly.

JAZZ

Now, there are a few performers worth listening to. But, most of the time you get pompous. opinionated dexterity at the expense of music.

Music is made up of riffs. These are short sequences of notes or chords that grab your attention, make you feel something – and want to here it again. The opening of Beethoven’s Fifth is world famous. Da-Da-Da-Boom. Great. Want to here it again. So you do. But there are other things in the world and we move on. Beethoven did this and took us all over the world and beyond. Sure, the theme comes back in various forms, but with loads of other stuff. Ludwig was good at this. Probably because he was full of music to bursting point. It must have been quite painful having all that music inside just screaming to be let out.

Jazz seems to be made up of excessively long meanderings designed to show off the performer’s ability to crowd in as many unnecessary incidentals and grace notes as possible. Presumably to throw you off the scent and make you forget that the original melody was written by somebody else – a real musician. I also get the impression that the objective is to make it last as long as possible. Probably in the hope that the audience, having lost the will to live, will applaud gratefully when it finally stops.

OPERA

I have a problem. The sounds of the female soprano voice and the male tenor hurt my ears. I don’t like either and never have. This makes opera a no-go area for me, and quite a few ballads too.

Oddly, I did once have an album of “The Best of” operatic arias. I tried it to see if I could learn to like it.

Interestingly, the very best of the best; Joan Sutherland, Maria Callas (when she was young) and the Kiwi takeaway were acceptable. Pavarotti and Domingo were also OK. What I noticed with the sopranos was that they hit the note right on the money. Also-rans had to swoop up to the note to find it and use quite bit of vibrato, as far as I could tell to disguise slight variations. I am told that I am “pitch perfect”, different from “perfect pitch”, the slightest deviation from the note jangles for me.

This makes opera tough for me. I think I wish I could like it.

CLASSICAL

Again, this tends to drone on and on, polishing and embellishing the original melody and riffs ad nauseam. The only possible pleasure is anticipating the blessed relief of the end.

It has been pointed out that most classical music was written before the age of recording, broadcasting and portable playback devices. This meant the audience had to journey to a venue and stay there for an entire evening, or have an orchestra brought to them. Either is such a kerfuffle, one would not undertake it for a five-minute gig. Also, it was not a very profitable trade. It needed the patronage of the super-rich, and as we all know – they want their money’s worth. It’s hard to show off to your merely rich sycophants your prized artist if all you have to show for it is a couple of shanties on a penny whistle.

Now, some are good, very good. At the end of the best, it’s been an experience, not just a nice sound. If your soul were a hankie, you could wring it out. But a lot seem to be just filling in time until the pubs open or they feel they have done enough to earn a fee.

RAGTIME/HONKYTONK

This is a nebulous collection of music, mostly featuring the piano and having a distinctive style of being more or less expressionless.

As  with all things, it has to be seen in the context of its time. The pianola, the player-piano had come into being and that meant long and complex pieces could be played note perfect. Getting expression into the music was very difficult. So I believe it gave rise to this style of intricate notes and chords, often rapid, without much expression or variation in note length. It can be fun for a while, but I find the attraction soon wears off. I think the aim was music that could be hammered out in a crowded bar on a piano that didn’t mind the occasional pint of beer, or even a bullet hole. This is the beginning of the commercial recorded music era, so I suppose the audience would be looking for what they heard last night.

THE BLUES

I love the blues. But, I have strict rules. Sure, it acknowledges oppression, misfortune and a mess of trouble. But for me there has to be a defiance, and optimism and a sense of humour. Sense of humour does not mean endless giggles. If you think that, you don’t have a sense of humour. Humour is something else, a sense of perspective perhaps. Either you have it or you don’t.

That means for me that some of the most famous and acclaimed singers and performers just don’t qualify.

Again, like all music, it belongs to its time. Early blues, before modern recording techniques and above all the electric guitar, I find not so good. In fact, some of the early singers – I wonder who ever told them they could sing.

Above all, the effects pedal and the sound desk have made a great difference. These are as much instruments as the guitar itself and need to be played as skilfully as the instruments.

Just imagine what Ludwig would have done with a Strat and a full sound desk!

RAP

All I can say is it seems to destroy and negate the rhythm, poetry and music of language itself, making the piece as interesting as reading a bus timetable, at night, in a storm. After the last bus has gone.

Coffee and ciggie.