OK, you Wokies. Time to wake up and be Woooke in a useful way.

The UK Government has announced it will be putting cigarette cards into packs of cigarettes with information to discourage smokers and advise on ways to kick the habit.

This is getting perilously close to an infringement of my human right to poison myself with the drug of my choice.

Shut up and let me finish.

Humans have been using alcohol and tobacco for I don’t know how many thousand years to relieve stress.

In the twentieth century, these two drugs powered us through two global wars and the great depression, through the Korean conflict, the Vietnam conflict and who knows what else besides. Look at any picture archive and you will see soldiers, sailors, airmen, miners, factory workers, farmers, cigarette dangling from their lip, slogging through muck, bullets, bodies and wreckage. Survivors, soaked to the skin, huddled under blankets with a cigarette and a grin.

Now, you, the Woke and TDATS, have decided that this is bad for us and, as our nannies and betters, you are going to stop it.

It might kill us.

Well, guess what. Something sure as hell will.

Life is a terminal disease.

And now that you have proscribed these two stress relievers, guess what as well?

Stress, depression, anxiety are on the rise. And people are turning to other ways of coping. They don’t all have the time, money or inclination to sit on a yoga mat looking stupid. They need and want to get on with stuff. so they use other drugs. Far worse than nicotine or alcohol. Drugs, as recognised by government agencies, are on the rise; and whatever else you want to take or try. The number of substances being used and experimented with is also on the rise. Some, like laughing gas, are now being considered for proscription by law.

And, surprise surprise, the consumption of piggy food is on the rise. We are facing a pandemic of obesity. Well, who knew? Anyone with a brain.

Billions are spent on fast food, making it, advertising it and distributing it as fast as possible to the gaping maw that craves it.

And a great deal is spent on making sure the ingredients are as more-ish as the law will allow without actually smearing it in coke and H.

Two of the most pernicious ingredients, legal, are corn syrup and maple syrup. These are two of the most seductive natural sweeteners available.

And, oh my goodness, are sweeteners good for stress. In the short term. Who hasn’t had a bad day at office, works, nightshift or even a bad shopping trip and headed to a cafe for a large slice of choccy cake? And doesn’t a full belly make you feel better? That’s a basic instinct for any living thing: eat to survive, therefore, more eat, better survive.

Increasing amounts are having to be set aside for the handling of obesity and related conditions such as diabetes, breathing ailments, heart and circulatory problems. Not just medical care, but research, social services and the provision  of mobility aids to trundle ever-larger lumps around.

Yes, I’m fat-shaming. You’re smoke-shaming and drink-shaming. Suck it up.

I’m beginning to look on smoking and drinking as almost a civic duty to protest against this persistent persecution and proscription.

You, you Wokies, start putting government health warning cards in sweet packets, fast food packs, chocolate cakes – they could be iced on to birthday cakes – and all the other piggy foods. Start putting health cards on the labels of outsize clothing.

You go the guts to do that?

Didn’t think so.